Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Bombing the Axis of Evil

I've been kicking around an idea for a while. It involves the merciless bombing of Iraq, Iran, and North Korea with a new weapon I've designed. The effects of this weapon are insidious - it has the ability to completely eliminate the will of the people to fight. I'm sure I'm not the first person to conceive of this weapon, but I know it's an original design (because I just finished the design this morning).

I estimate* that it will take 5.2 million of these bombs for Iraq, 4.6 million for North Korea, and 13.6 million for Iran. While the per unit cost of the bomb is low (compared to $200,000 for a Tomahawk) the large numbers will make them very expensive. But, given the raw power of this weapon, the bang for the buck is tremendous. Furthermore, my cost estimates are based on the retail price of the components. Even the US government should manage to get some sort of quantity discount for 23.4 million units!

It's important to note that the power of the bomb's components are proven and well documented. To my knowledge, however, they've never been combined in this way - I can only estimate the power of the weapon based on the sum of the demonstrated effects, but I would not be surprised if the combined effect is some order of magnitude higher than that.

Components: All of the components of the bomb (I call it the consumer goods or CG bomb) are readily available off the shelf. In fact, you could easily assemble one in your home without drawing any attention from authorities. Here's the list: a refrigerator, a washer, a dryer, a free-standing range, a range hood, a microwave, a television, a window heater/air conditioner, a dishwasher, a satellite dish, a desktop computer, a blender, a mixer, a toaster, a five-piece dining set, a five-piece living room set, three 4-piece bedroom sets, three queen mattress sets, a car, and a truck. The quality of the individual components is only marginally important. Note: do NOT buy any extended warranties.

Assembly: First, do NOT throw away the documentation that comes with the components. All the warrantee registration cards, user manuals, credit card applications, videos, software, etc. that comes with the components will be important in the implementation phase. Assemble the components in a compact package. For example, put the big stuff in the truck and the smaller stuff in the car.

Implementation: Drop a CG bomb in the middle of the house of each family in each of the offending nations. Walk away with a sly smirk, knowing you've just defeated the enemy. By the time these poor, unsuspecting bastards figure out that you've doomed them to a life of sitting on hold with customer support reps and worrying about their credit reports, the US government will have ticked off a whole new set of people!

CG Bombing Cost: At retail, I figure** the unit cost of a CG bomb at $50,000. If CG bombs would have been used in Iraq, the country would have saved $125 billion (based on current appropriations of $378 billion). Even if a reduced-cost CG bomb were used today (delete the car, truck, and one of the bedroom sets) we could save $1.6 billion over current appropriations with little decrease in weapon effectiveness.

Total cost to carpet CG bomb Iran: $660 billion. North Korea: $222 billion.

CG Bomb Damage Assessment: Complete loss of will to fight the US. Overthrow of tyrannical governments. Credit card debts out the wazoo. Of course, that's just the first wave. Wait'll the publicly-traded home builders and mortgage companies get ahold of them!

Collateral Damage: Unfortunately, very high. Once we show a willingness to CG bomb offenders, France and West Virginia will provoke us just to get bombed! But, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

* Googled the population of each country and divided by five to estimate the number of families.
** Googled each of the components and added up the low-cost version of brand-name products.

Update: Coyote's asking for a third option from "Stay the Course" or "Cut & Run". The CG bomb IS the third option - it will win the war in Iraq!

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